Surviving the Mayan Apocalypse


Unless you’re a hermit, living alone in the wilderness sans modern technology, you know a little something about the importance of December 21, 2012. Apparently, according to the Mayan Calendar, it’s not going to be your normal winter equinox.

Just like the end of 1999, when the world feared a global “blue screen of death”, people are preparing for another date that may or may not fade into obscurity.  Just a few short weeks away, the internet chatter is beginning to crescendo and you’re going to need to know what to do when the Apocalypse occurs. Now, the information that follows will depend upon whether the end of the world manifests itself in instant annihilation of the planet or if our collective demise will be a long drawn out process like ABC’s hit primetime program Lost.

BEST PLACE TO SURVIVE

Let’s face it, we’re born survivors. Pessimists, the half-empty folks, look at life as each day is one day closer to death. We begin the process of dying as soon as we’re born, but the systems of our body are built for survival. Our instincts to procreate were designed to ensure our species survival. Naturally, some of us are going to want to have the best advantage to prolong our inevitable demise.

According to the Mother Nature Network, one of the safest places to be, in the United States, is at the Greenbriar Resort  in White Sulphur Springs, Virginia. Well,  below it, that is. Once used to house Congress in the event of nuclear war and the fallout that would follow, the 112,544-square-foot bunker lies beneath the resort. You will feel secure with three outdoor entrances and one secret entrance from inside the resort. A 25-ton blast door protects decontamination chambers, a power plant, water storage tanks, a clinic with operating rooms, an ICU with a pharmacy, and enough rooms to accommodate more than 1,100 people. If you act quickly, you can lock in the Christmas Rate starting at $425 per night (two night minimum). Hey, the money may be worthless after 12/21, but like they say in real estate “Location, location, location!” If you have to endure roaming zombies and bands of armed civilians, you might as well do it in luxury.

SELF-PRESERVATION

If Hollywood hasn’t taught us anything, they have certainly taught us how to survive when the proverbial “stuff” (to quote Vice President Joe Biden) hits the fan. There’s enough time to get a crash-course style boot camp to whip yourself in shape, so here’s a few movies that should be on your watch list.

Omega Man (based on the novel I Am Legend) – While Will Smith reprised the role in a recent remake, Charlton Heston (in my opinion) killed mutants better than anyone else. Watch this movie to learn how to fortify your home if you can’t make it to Virginia in time.

La Jetée – In post-WWIII Paris, survivors begin to research time travel in order to obtain food. Someone’s gotta figure this time travel thing out or Doc Brown will never go back in time.

The Blues Brothers – not a post-apocalyptic movie, but it’s pretty entertaining with all the chase scenes, dancing, and music. Despite the language, and implied violence, there’s no nudity or sexual situations. It’s fun for the whole family.

FOOD, MONEY, AND TRADE

It’s a good thing that studies say the majority of Americans are overweight. We’re all going to need our stored reserves of fat to get us through. We’ll surely deplete our stockpiled Chef Boyardee and Vienna Sausages in no time. It’s beginning to look like we all should have taken a course or two in agriculture back in high school, instead of Microcomputer Applications and Business Law.

It’s expected that money will be worthless, so we’ll have to rely on trade with the survivors. Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait and find out how much weight in currency a pack of cigarettes will command. More importantly, and probably more valuable, your skills may be worth more than the three movies listed above. If you have MacGyver-like skills, you’re probably going to be okay. However, the writers of the world are in serious trouble.

DON’T CHANGE ANYTHING

Despite the tips above, it cannot be stressed enough that you should not:

  • Quit your job.

  • Stop paying your mortgage

  • Finally tell your annoying uncle off

  • Go ahead and buy that adult themed PPV

Because when you wake up on December 22, 2012, and the world has not ended, you’ll still need your job to pay your mortgage, you’ll see your uncle in three days at Christmas Dinner, and your wife will get cable bill in January.

Good luck!

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2 comments

  1. Love it! I’m hoping my knitting skills will be of use!

    1. Ha! Knitting should be a valuable skill in the post apocalyptic world. If not, it will surely be a good way to pass the time. I expect social media will be filled with people complaining how good it used to be when their favorite political party was in office. 🙂

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

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